Homemade Cookies: Poetry

Homemade cookies are yummy

I love homemade cookies, yes I do,
just ask my mama, she'll tell you it's true.

Fresh out the oven and into my mouth,
she got the recipe from grandma down south.

I got a sweet tooth,
and there is only one truth:
I love my mama's homemade cookies
because she makes them better than all the rookies.

Chocolate chips smear my face,
I can't keep up this torrid pace.

Up my esophagus and out they go,
34 is too many, and now I know.

CVS Gold Emblem: Pretzel Mini Twists Review

Bland, uninspired, life-threatening. The Gold Emblem Way.

While perusing through CVS, this hefty 5oz bag caught my ever-watchful eye under the dollar section. 10 bags for $10! I'll be set for days, I remember thinking. Greedily, I filled my shopping basket to the brim with six of the bags, and then had to carry the other four under my arms. It will all be worth it when I have enough pretzels at homebase to last me through the duration of Skins Season 5, I told myself for motivation. At last, I triumphantly returned home, plopped down on the couch, and ripped into a bag of Pretzel Mini Twists.

After shoving a handful into my mouth, I immediately began to choke and gag. It felt like some devil had poured a bucket full of sawdust into my mouth. Tears streaming down my eyes, my shaky hands attempted to reach to the coffee table for a glass of water, but in my seizure-like fit the glass was tipped over and smashed into thousands of jagged shards. Feebly, I tried to swallow the mouthful of Mini Twists, but my saliva reserves had already dried up faster than a swimming pool in the Mojave Desert. Blinded by the tears in my eyes, I endeavored to feel my way to the kitchen on my hands and knees. Unfortunately, I had forgotten about the treacherous glass shards; and, to my horror, my hands were soon  reduced to a painful blood pulp. I desperately yelled out for help, yet my parched throat could only emit a heavy wheeze as dusty particles were discharged from my mouth and into the air.

Completely defeated, I laid motionless on the floor while drifting in and out of consciousness (it was later revealed to me that I remained there for 54 hours). I saw horrible things. Mercifully, my weekly cleaning maid discovered my half-dead body with an eardrum-piercing shriek (which caused permanent ear damage and necessitated the purchase of hearing aids) and called the paramedics. Apparently, mine was not an especially unusual case because these wonderful paramedics, these preservers of life, dumped several gallons of water down my poor, ravished throat. I was almost instantly revitalized, and spoke for the first time in over two days: "those were some dry pretzels." The paramedics nodded sagely.

I would not recommend purchasing CVS's Gold Emblem Pretzel Mini Twists.


Final Grade:

Totino's Pizza Rolls: Power Rankings

Today, I am very proud to present the internet's first-ever World Pizza Rolls Power Rankings. Yes, the World Rankings. With Totino's astonishing nine different flavors it can be difficult to choose just one. This list will help you. There are many great competitors, but only enough room for one champion. Let's begin:

9. Cheesy Taco

Cheesy Taco. Not good.

Coming in dead last place are the repulsive, stomach-churning, and loathsome Cheesy Taco flavored Pizza Rolls. Sweet Jesus. Judging from my personal experience, eating more than two will likely cause incessant vomiting. More than four and you will be lucky to tell the tale. It's as if Totino's took every good aspect of a taco, pissed all over it, blended it up with some stale pizza sauce, put it in a tiny bread pouch, and called it a wrap. I've heard that these were recently discontinued... The world is a better place.


8. Pepperoni Trio

Pepperoni Trio. Yikes!

Nearly as unbearable as the Cheesy Taco execration, are these allegedly "made with real meat" disasters. There was a time when I thought too much meat was impossible (even fake mini cubes of meat), but then I encountered Totino's Pepperoni Trio. During the judging process, as the rubbery cubes slipped and slid between my valiantly gnashing teeth, I was overcome with nausea and forced to spit my lunch out onto the ground. By "Pepperoni Trio" Totino's seems to mean "Three curiously shaded rubber cubes with a taste reminiscent of Grandma's eight week old leftovers."

Pizza Rolls Review: All Flavors

Initially, I found Totino's Pizza Rolls to qualify as the biggest food abomination this side of the McRib, but this was before my toddler self realized that Pizza Rolls are meant to be cooked. After my papa took me to the emergency room to replace my three shattered teeth, we came back and he instructed me on how to operate a microwave oven. I felt worlds shattering, empires crumbling, and life itself percolating throughout my veins as my father placed the frozen, rock-solid Pepperoni Pizza Rolls into the microwave and closed the door. Soon, the Pizza Rolls were soft, hot (so hot in fact that my father and I had to make a return trip to the emergency room to treat 2nd degree burns), and ready to consume.''

Pizza? Snack? Dinner? Sauce chunks? Good? Bad? As I devoured the first 15 Pizza Rolls my mind was flooded with questions. By the second box (this time of Pizza Rolls: Triple Cheese) I had decided that I enjoyed the vaguely pizza-like taste, and by my third box (of Pizza Rolls: Supreme) the warm, soggy texture that slides down the throat with ease was decidedly a winner.  Several boxes later I discovered that my entire body was dripping in an orange and greasy sauce that left me looking like some sort of overgrown, human larvae. My repulsion aside, I concluded that Totino's Pizza Rolls were a definite hit (aside from the Cheesy Taco bête noire that my body reflexively expunged).

Totino's Pizza Rolls remained a staple of my diet up to and throughout my adolescence, and even today remain a viable (and tasty!) option in my daily nourishment.


Final Grade:

Wheat Thins Review: Original

Oh my goodness. My heart pounds, my eyes flutter, and I begin to moan uncontrollably when reminiscing on my many encounters with this stellar Nabisco product. My father tells me stories of how he used to feed me Wheat Thins when I was still a tiny baby. Well, more like allow me to lick the tantalizing salts and 100% whole grain surface of the cracker. As I grew, I continued to gravitate towards the product's perfect crisp, light savory taste, and unparalleled stacking ranking (as one places more food in one's mouth, the enjoyment of said food increases exponentially) that combine to make a nearly immaculate snack.

Sun and moon. Coffee and cream. Husband and bride. Wheat Thins and me. We are simply destined to be together. One of my only wishes in life is to cross paths with the inventor of the Wheat Thin so that I may humble myself before him and kiss the ground before his feet until his burly bodyguards are forced to carry my unworthy body away. I've been known to uncontrollably gorge on boxes of Wheat Thins at a time, and my day would not be complete without at least a trip or two to what I like to call Snack Heaven.

My single-day record is 21 boxes (about 3000 crackers).

Final Grade:

Fiber One Chewy Bars Review: Oats & Chocolate

I first encountered Fiber One Oats & Chocolate bars while exploring my room (the store's pantry) when I was about 6 years old. Immediately intrigued by the "Chocolate" part of the title, my salivary glands began kicking into high gear -- what a treat this would be! Unfortunately, after hungrily unwrapping the bar and plopping it in my watery mouth, I was met with a taste that was truly reprehensible in its mediocrity and blandness. The Oats were completely devoid of any familiar pop, crunch, or pleasurable texture; and, what's worse, General Mills seemed to have mistakenly emptied vats of plastic chocolate chips into its factory rather than real ones. "Dear Lord!" I remember exclaiming, "never have I encountered a snack so disgustingly average!" Begrudgingly, I presumed to choke down the rest of the supposed "food," but could not finish the last 1/4th of the bar as my mouth was soon as dry as the Atacama desert. Quickly, I ran to the beverage boxes and uncorked a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper and proceeded to wash down the rest of the bar with the wonderfully caffeinated beverage. Surprisingly, I did not fall terminally ill after digesting the Fiber One bar, and actually felt decently full considering its small size. Within the next hour, however, I began to emit ominous amounts of gases uncontrollably. The inventory section was soon clouded over by a fetid haze. 

Chuckling, my father emerged from the shadows, "Haha! This, my son, is what we call Dummy Food." 

Final Grade: