Totino's Pizza Rolls: Power Rankings

Today, I am very proud to present the internet's first-ever World Pizza Rolls Power Rankings. Yes, the World Rankings. With Totino's astonishing nine different flavors it can be difficult to choose just one. This list will help you. There are many great competitors, but only enough room for one champion. Let's begin:

9. Cheesy Taco

Cheesy Taco. Not good.

Coming in dead last place are the repulsive, stomach-churning, and loathsome Cheesy Taco flavored Pizza Rolls. Sweet Jesus. Judging from my personal experience, eating more than two will likely cause incessant vomiting. More than four and you will be lucky to tell the tale. It's as if Totino's took every good aspect of a taco, pissed all over it, blended it up with some stale pizza sauce, put it in a tiny bread pouch, and called it a wrap. I've heard that these were recently discontinued... The world is a better place.


8. Pepperoni Trio

Pepperoni Trio. Yikes!

Nearly as unbearable as the Cheesy Taco execration, are these allegedly "made with real meat" disasters. There was a time when I thought too much meat was impossible (even fake mini cubes of meat), but then I encountered Totino's Pepperoni Trio. During the judging process, as the rubbery cubes slipped and slid between my valiantly gnashing teeth, I was overcome with nausea and forced to spit my lunch out onto the ground. By "Pepperoni Trio" Totino's seems to mean "Three curiously shaded rubber cubes with a taste reminiscent of Grandma's eight week old leftovers."





7. Triple Meat

Triple Meat. Triple fail.

The Triple Meat is mildly better than the Pepperoni Trio, but still a putrid mess. It claims to combine "Sausage, Canadian Style Bacon, and Pepperoni." The Triple Meat offering still contains an unwanted gluttony of meat, but is nevertheless more desirable than the wreckage that is the Pepperoni Trio. At least here the "meat flavors" are discernible. Unlike the bottom two rankers on this list, it is possible to eat at least 5-7 Triple Meat Pizza Rolls at a time, but I would not recommend exceeding this limit unless you have nausea-relief medicine on hand.




6. Cheese

Cheese. Very plain.

Not much to say here. Tiny bread pockets, mediocre sauce chunks, mediocre bits of cheese -- pretty underwhelming. It is certainly possible to eat a bag of 40 in one sitting (maybe even two bags), but I cannot imagine that it being enjoyable. The bland, inoffensive taste may be satisfying for six year old children, but any sane individual who enjoys food would be rightfully appalled by this unexceptional Pizza Roll. Next.




5. Triple Cheese

Triple Cheese. Lots o' cheese.

The Triple Cheese Pizza Rolls are a definite step-up from the simple Cheese Pizza Rolls in terms of taste; however, these are most definitely the least appealing Pizza Rolls that I have ever encountered from an aesthetics standpoint (although the Cheesy Tacos gives them a run for their money). Disconcertingly yellow and golden cheese oozes out of the bread pockets, and actually appears to glow if one looks at it for too long. While initially hesitant to put these possibly radioactive Pizza Rolls in my mouth, I eventually summed up the courage (an hour and several microwave re-heats later) and discovered that, to my surprise, the Triple Cheese Pizza Rolls were actually OK! The cheese balanced out well with the sauce and crust and I did not feel entirely too nauseous, making for the first acceptable offering on the list. Recommended to be eaten with a blindfold.

4. Sausage

Sausage. Sausage.

I'll be up front. I like sausage. I like sausage a lot. This is not real sausage, but it kind of tastes like sausage. Therefore, I enjoy Totino's Sausage Pizza Rolls. Doesn't really taste good at all, but it still kinda sorta tastes like sausage. The dining experience itself was ultimately satisfactory (I tore through several bags of 40). Unfortunately, the Sausage Pizza Rolls came at a price -- the worst stomach ache I've had in years and 2 and a half hours of sitting on my toilet. Is it worth it? For emptying your bowels: yes. For any other reason: no. I still do like sausage though. Sausage, sausage, sausage.




3. Combination

Combination. Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.

The original Combination (before Pizza Hut and Taco Bell) was Totino's marriage of Sausage and Pepperoni. And it was a very successful indeed. While eating the first pizza roll from this batch, my tongue started swirling around and around uncontrollably in my mouth due to the orgasmic sensation the Combination had elicited from my taste buds. Greedily, I stuffed three more in my mouth. By the time I had finished the 4th bag I could no longer move my tongue. It just drooped out of my mouth limply, defeated. Again, however, I was later ailed by a stomach ache of unprecedented proportions that forced me to retreat to the bathroom for four hours. Thus, I would advise against eating more than two bags per sitting.


2. Supreme

Supreme. Good stuff.

Showing out at second place are the Supreme Pizza Rolls. Surprisingly, the several ingredients (Sausage, Pepperoni, Green Peppers, and Onions) are not as overwhelming as the Pepperoni Trio and Triple Meat incarnations were, but rather meld together peacefully resulting in quite a formidable Pizza Roll. The Supreme is the first Pizza Roll listed that actually tastes vaguely similar to its real pizza counterpart instead of a hodgepodge of synthetic seasonings (ironically, the Supreme is probably the type of Pizza Roll with the most synthetic additions). Even better, my stomach felt sufficiently satiated after one 40-count bag, and there were no significant repercussions felt after digestion.


1. Pepperoni

Pepperoni. Flavor to die for.

Finally, the undisputed champion of Pizza Role Kingdom, the number one entry in the first ever World Pizza Roll Power Rankings: The Pepperoni Pizza Roll. From the moment this succulent cheese/pepperoni/sauce combination melted its way into my mouth, until the inevitable ending in the emergency room, I knew that this was the winner. It doesn't have the strong flavoring of the Supreme, nor pack the meaty one-two punch of the Combination, but there is something about the classic Pepperoni is just so damn good. Once you start eating them you can't stop. Literally. After eradicating innumerable boxes over a period of four straight days (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), I woke up in a hospital bed recovering from cardiac arrest. They quite literally knocked me out. *Ding* *Ding* *Ding* we have a new heavyweight champion of the Pizza Roll world.