CVS Gold Emblem: Pretzel Mini Twists Review

Bland, uninspired, life-threatening. The Gold Emblem Way.

While perusing through CVS, this hefty 5oz bag caught my ever-watchful eye under the dollar section. 10 bags for $10! I'll be set for days, I remember thinking. Greedily, I filled my shopping basket to the brim with six of the bags, and then had to carry the other four under my arms. It will all be worth it when I have enough pretzels at homebase to last me through the duration of Skins Season 5, I told myself for motivation. At last, I triumphantly returned home, plopped down on the couch, and ripped into a bag of Pretzel Mini Twists.

After shoving a handful into my mouth, I immediately began to choke and gag. It felt like some devil had poured a bucket full of sawdust into my mouth. Tears streaming down my eyes, my shaky hands attempted to reach to the coffee table for a glass of water, but in my seizure-like fit the glass was tipped over and smashed into thousands of jagged shards. Feebly, I tried to swallow the mouthful of Mini Twists, but my saliva reserves had already dried up faster than a swimming pool in the Mojave Desert. Blinded by the tears in my eyes, I endeavored to feel my way to the kitchen on my hands and knees. Unfortunately, I had forgotten about the treacherous glass shards; and, to my horror, my hands were soon  reduced to a painful blood pulp. I desperately yelled out for help, yet my parched throat could only emit a heavy wheeze as dusty particles were discharged from my mouth and into the air.

Completely defeated, I laid motionless on the floor while drifting in and out of consciousness (it was later revealed to me that I remained there for 54 hours). I saw horrible things. Mercifully, my weekly cleaning maid discovered my half-dead body with an eardrum-piercing shriek (which caused permanent ear damage and necessitated the purchase of hearing aids) and called the paramedics. Apparently, mine was not an especially unusual case because these wonderful paramedics, these preservers of life, dumped several gallons of water down my poor, ravished throat. I was almost instantly revitalized, and spoke for the first time in over two days: "those were some dry pretzels." The paramedics nodded sagely.

I would not recommend purchasing CVS's Gold Emblem Pretzel Mini Twists.


Final Grade: