Pizza Rolls Review: All Flavors

Initially, I found Totino's Pizza Rolls to qualify as the biggest food abomination this side of the McRib, but this was before my toddler self realized that Pizza Rolls are meant to be cooked. After my papa took me to the emergency room to replace my three shattered teeth, we came back and he instructed me on how to operate a microwave oven. I felt worlds shattering, empires crumbling, and life itself percolating throughout my veins as my father placed the frozen, rock-solid Pepperoni Pizza Rolls into the microwave and closed the door. Soon, the Pizza Rolls were soft, hot (so hot in fact that my father and I had to make a return trip to the emergency room to treat 2nd degree burns), and ready to consume.''

Pizza? Snack? Dinner? Sauce chunks? Good? Bad? As I devoured the first 15 Pizza Rolls my mind was flooded with questions. By the second box (this time of Pizza Rolls: Triple Cheese) I had decided that I enjoyed the vaguely pizza-like taste, and by my third box (of Pizza Rolls: Supreme) the warm, soggy texture that slides down the throat with ease was decidedly a winner.  Several boxes later I discovered that my entire body was dripping in an orange and greasy sauce that left me looking like some sort of overgrown, human larvae. My repulsion aside, I concluded that Totino's Pizza Rolls were a definite hit (aside from the Cheesy Taco bête noire that my body reflexively expunged).

Totino's Pizza Rolls remained a staple of my diet up to and throughout my adolescence, and even today remain a viable (and tasty!) option in my daily nourishment.


Final Grade: